sparkles ate my socks
2005-06-20, 1:29 a.m.

i should be in bed-my life story. but being as burnt out and depressed as i was all day, i spent most of it in my bed, so i'm just kinda bored and lonely right now, not a sleeping mood. i spent 4 of the past 4 nights completely altered out of my mind, on wed. me and darren shared a joint then went to see the sisterhood of the travelling pants, then thurs. i went out to airdrie to see mike and him, his room mate dave and i smoked and smoked, dave taught me how to smoke from a bong, it was pretty fun, it was good to hang out with them, but at times i wasn't sure quite what to make of the situation, just being there with him, and because of our history i think there's some sort of impulse for us to... be close to each other, but we know that time has passed and we're with other people now... so it maks it sort of weird. then on friday me and darren drank a lot of whiskey (i was trying to be the 'little whiskey girl' but it turns out that i can't drink whiskey, it makes me nauseus) and then last night me darren and kevin smoked waaaaaay too much and i got fucked up, but the point of all this... a while ago i wrote that me and my boyfriend smoking a joint wouldn't be the end of the world... but today i actually thought it would be, when i left kevin's last night darren didn't think i should be driving, and was more angry than he's ever been at me before, i got a text message telling me so this morning, and so i felt absolutely terrible... so i think it's time for me to revert to my previous mostly straight edge ways, not much drugs, not much drinking. i don't know when i started thinking it was a good idea to smoke, but i felt like maybe it was the subculture that i could be apart of, like just SOMETHING to be a part of, and it everybody who does it seems to enjoy it so much, there must be a reason. but it's probably best that i stay away. i'm really having a hard time getting what i wanted to say out, but my head is kinda fried today.
but after my entire day of sulking and darren not talking to me (which lead to extreme anxiety by the end of the day) my family and i went to moxies for dinner, it must be sort of sad for my dad, his first father's day without his father... but he seemed ok. after dinner i took us all of a drive in our fancy new BMW, just down to see the river where it's overflowing on to all the rich and elite of calgary's back yards (haha suckers) then finally D called, it made me happy, but i hate it when there is tension between us... but the time about us... when you're in love, it can be fixed. we're going to try and go camping this weekend AGAIN, while camping isn't so much my thing (i'm really a city girl, meaning i DO NOT pee on the ground, not well anways, last time i tried when i was 11, i made quite the mess... ick... and thanks for sharing eh?) but the best thing in the world is falling asleep with my boy, even though i apparently push him away in the night... oops. and monday i am off work at 3pm i believe, so if anybody wants to take a gander downtown, please do so, and then im off on thurs and fri, which im so extremely excited about. im going to go shoppppping.... maybe not. although i did get my john deere shirt finally and im soooo excited, and they have vintage john deere signs at the wee book on 17th ave and i reeeeally want one. only $20! and i got some knew jeans. neked jeans. well good bye everybody, i'm working on reading a book that i was supposed to have read for the beginning of april for my english class, i think i'm about 40 pages in by now.
lets do e.

life - death