run, cut a path across the blue skies
2005-06-07, 12:55 a.m.

i think the rain is beginning to get to me. i need the sun, i feel so BAH. i'm in kind of a "i suck, im ugly and fat, and you can shut up cuz i don't care what you have to say about it" kind of mood. and as i often do when i get this way, i wondered through the mall, trying to find something that i can spend my hard earned money on, that would make me happy. i do this every so often, search for something material to improve my mood, it rarely works, although i've never once regretted when i went all out and bought myself the $250 deck for my car instead of the $100 deck that i actually went to a+b to buy, it was an impulse move, but it's always made me happy. i bought another deck for the same reason in the fall, it was $500 but my reason talked me into returning it. im thinking my wisest move would probably be to get the 240 running, because i think driving it would bring me a fair bit of satisfaction, just knowing that darren and i put all the work into that car, and i used my own money to pay for the parts.
do normal people ever look at themselves in retrospect and know for a fact that they have changed? im pretty sure im changing, and not for the better. my morals and everything i believed so strongly in, have sort of fizzled in the recent monthes. as a young teenager, i always thought the girls who got knocked up were complete fucking idiots, and here i am, a box of condoms lasts us like 6 monthes (im still on the pill, not being a total moron) and i can't really justify as to how this became ok... why is it ok for me to refer to people/call people cunts? i drank and drove (never smashed, but i would drive after having a few drinks) all last summer and fall, that's as stupid as a person can get, and nobody ever tried to stop me. (i NEVER EVER do this anymore, because i realize how terrible that was) cigarrette smoke gags me, and i was soooo close to stopping and buying a pack of them tonight. but i made a conscious decision, of whether or not i want to be a smoker, i wanted a smoke, but i don't want to actually smoke. i don't even want to know what my poor little lungs would do if i did that to them. there are so many other things that i have done in the past few monthes that are soo atypical of me, and i don't understand if it's because i'm growing up a little bit and realizing that me a smoking a joint with my boyfriend isn't going to be the end of the fucking world, and it's to do something like that once in a while, or if i'm actually changing... do i seem different to other people? have i always been this cynical and bitter??
and im sorry to darren for being depressing and keeping you awake when you desperately needed sleep tonight.
i think im once again bored. with me, with my life and some of its patterns. i don't know. i think it's time to make some more friends, pick up my social skills, apparently i come off as unfriendly sometimes. guess i should work on that..
but i guess again i need to put everything into perspective... i love some of the patterns i have made too, like i love my days off when me and pen put on our cutest [apparently not so skanky] little outfits and go strut about for whoever chooses to look at us, and miss last summer when we got to do it more often. i love the way that me and d wash each other down with zest soap in the shower, and us making attempts at cooking together.
im attracted to domesticity (spelling??) and want it so badly for myself, so i don't really know why im having such a difficult time making a final decision of whether or not i want to move in with darren... it's been days, and i can't seem to come any closer to a conclusion.. all in all, i know i want to live with him, and as he says, start my life with him, but i just need to be open to the change of moving...
well im absolutely rambling about every tiny little thing that comes to my head, so i will go to bed now, because i have to be up at 7:43 (throws up)
and friends, if anybody sees this, please call me, i miss you all.

life - death