please shut off the lights
2005-05-27, 2:34 a.m.

well my throat hurts. darren's has hurt since monday, so i guess i was just waiting for my turn. yes it's 2:30 am. and here i am, sitting in front of my barely-functioning-piece-of-crap-you-can-barely-call-it-a-computer--computer. hyphenated words are exciting... maybe not. i feel like this big anger cloud has finally been lifted from above my head. my extreme profanity has started to fade a little bit. and i'm feeling a bit more like alli the normally hostile girl, as opposed to the huge mass of anger/hostility bitch alli. (this isn't supposed to make sense, but it should anyways.) <--say what?
i typically swear a lot, more than the average person, but in the past few weeks i had nothing but foul language coming out of my mouth, a particular favourite bacame 'fucking cunt' I have always HATE HATE HATED the "c-word" and always gave people shit for saying it, but i even went as far as to refer to an actual living person as one. i saw that stupid blonde pony tail in the distance when i was visiting darren at work one day "is that nealie?" "yup, sure is" "hmm.. i thought i smelled cunt" and of course, being the man full of tact (NOT) that he is, he told her, and then she threatened to kick my ass, but i wasn't afraid, i'd just scratch her face. girls don't want scars on their faces.
but i feel as though most of the anger i had towards darren for hurting me, has faded in the past week or 2, and i'm calm again, the trust won't be quite the same as it was for a while i'm sure, but it's rebuilding.
i'm not quite sure why i've started making these entries in the middle of the night when i'm absolutely exhausted. i guess it's because there is nobody around to distract me, or make me feel ashamed (yes, I'm very much ashamed of my online diary) both times i was away last week, my head was filled with things to write out, ideas, thoughts, just anything. i even bought a notebook to keep track of it all, but nothing made it in it, and everything's escaped me.
and since i generally like to add a sexual tidbit of somesort, just to make people uncomfortable i suppose... did you know that the more sex you have, the more you just end up wanting... like with other human urges, once you satisfy them, you can continue on with your day, like if you're hungry you have a sandwich (chicken and turkey in my case, because of course, this is completely relevent) and you continue jerking off (ok maybe not so much, but i'm just making an example... i'm tired... shut up!) but anyways, the point of this is... i just don't get it. how can one do it 3 times in one night and still want more, despite both parties involved just being sore and exhausted... sheesh it's almost 3am. my contacts are driving me nuts. and i think i better go to bed because this is stupid. (that said stupudd at first, but i fixed it)
and as a side note.
Jen the french dwarf sucks monkey balls. (i fucking hate you)
yeah. now that i have that out of my system... ok maybe the anger's not completely gone, but damn do i hate that girl. i think if i had the opportunity to punch/kick 2 people in the face/box as hard as hard as i could, the first would be her, and the 2nd, obviously would be neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelie. teeheehee. and i can't have my entry ending with her name because that's bad karma or something.
so here's a lyric for you
*last night out in the dark, i was watching warewolves in the park, stoned, i used to run with that pack, until they broke my balls and cracked my jack, stoned...*

life - death