and then there's me.
2005-05-13, 1:49 a.m.

all day i wanted nothing more than to go to bed, and now i'm finally home and it's nearly 2am, and here i sit. my mind just won't seem to shut down yet. darren picked me up from work and we went to a show, the music was good but my heart just doesn't seem to be into it, but then again my heart doesn't seem to be up to a lot of anything right now, and that's probably to be expected after a week like the one i just had. well i arrived home, exhausted and quickly realized that both my cars had to be removed from the street by 7am, one these cars doesn't start, so we boost it, start it, it dies, boost it, start it and i make it 1/2 a block. so darren and tino ended up having to push it around the corner, do a u-turn and then back down half a block where i can safely leave it until i return from vancouver. they sure don't make it simple, the car doesn't have to be off the street say tomorrow and the next day, but tomorrow and monday... how diffiuclt is that for somebody who is going out of town... oh well... it's not even legally supposed to be on the street anyways, but I don't really have any other options. *sigh* i was so excited about that car, and now I'm just so frustrated with it that i don't really care what happens to it. oh well. we'll get it running eventually and all will be good. but seeing as im trying to move out in august i'm thinking that one of the cars should probably be sold.
and i feel terrible for admitting this in a time like this, when my entire family is in mourning, the death hasn't hit me yet, hasn't soaked in, and still all i can feel is self pity. inferiority. is that even a word? if it is i'm sure it's not spelled correctly, but i'm sure you understand.
i've got my boyfriend, and my best friend. they've got their social circles other than me, and no matter where i go, i never fit in, i'm just a tag-along, i get invited along out of pity i'm sure. like last night for example, darren was going to watch a movie at a friend's and pen was going to mynt (is that how you spell THAT?) both invited me to go with, but i couldn't bring myself to do either. i'm sure i could have gone along to mynt and had a good night, but... i just don't belong, i guess i never have and more than likely never will. what is it about me exactly that makes it so difficult?
fuck. i'm beating myself up terribly. I should go to bed before I cry. all i feel is insignificant.
sorry for the meaningless pitiful ramblings.

life - death