found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing.
2004-10-27, 9:15 p.m.

and i sit. watching the moon. it's nearly completely gone. and i realize... i have realized something, but i don't know what.
i'm just a little girl in a scary place. i was placed at the edge of a cliff, and was demanded to jump, "and now" they said "you are an adult." i try to turn back, but there is no way "succeed" they tell me. "make the right choices"
i've ran off on a tangent and i have no clue in the world as to what i'm talking about.
i spent the evening with pen. and i must say that my time with her is the best i could ever have. when i have to conjure up my best memories of that past 5 years, she is in nearly every single one of them. the best times of my life have been spent with her. raising hell and breaking the law. long talks about good things and bad, plans of taking over the world. she's the only person i'll ever fully trust.
everybody else is going to be gone before too long.
i feel sad. and i'm trying to let it go. but i can't, it's so trapped inside. every relationship i get myself into ends the same way. they leave. and i stay here. it doesn't really make a difference to anybody but me. i'm not one to say "you can't go" even if it's exactly what i want to say. it won't make a difference anyways, it'll just make me feel pathetic for trying. trying seemingly gets me nowhere. i'm not as strong as im trying to be right now. my heart is knots. but it's all so deeply repressed that all i can feel is... nothing. i;m so mellow that it takes all my energy just to stay awake. i slept through my alarm yesterday... twice.once in the morning and once at night.
"and will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head"
i've perpetually got a gun to my head, just waiting for somebody to pull the trigger. it's been pulled before. i don't die. it's not my style.
"i won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me, i know you well enough to know you never loved me"
i like taking back sunday. make fun of me if you will. but i still enjoy them. i cleared myself a spot in my messy room to dance to them when i wake up so that i can dance in the morning, when there is nothing that i want more than to crawl back into bed. i's good to scream in the morning. i scream when i'm devastated as well as ecstatic.
"with my head on your chest, waiting to cave in"
i'm going to pick up the 100 cds i dropped on the floor yesterday morning now.
i will not let you hit me anymore.
time passes to quickly. so so soon. it'll all be gone. fucking kills me.

life - death


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