see through me. please.
2004-05-26, 12:46 a.m.

I hate myself. For the weight I've put on. And the fact that everybody else pretends that it's not there. They don't understand, that I'm not blind. I know it's there with every move I make and increases daily. For years, I stayed fairly consistently the same weight. And here I am... Exactly where I always swore to myself that I would never be... No matter what I do. The number increases by the day. I can't talk about it. He screams when I do, and calls me crazy. He doesn't understand. It's ok, by the time he can admit that he can see the extra pounds, he won't want to be with me anymore anyways... This is such meaningless ramblings. But I can't say any of this stuff out loud without anger arising... So the surgery of P is real. It was so much easier before, when I could pretend that I was going up to Edmonton, that I was going to sleep in my car (who was I kidding, I'd be scared to death) But I have a place to stay now, the date is set for the surgery. I have the time booked off work. And it's going to happen. I'm so scared... I can never tell her, because I need to be brave for her... But...? It will be nice to see my aunty, although I'm not looking forward to seeing my cousin, I havn't really talked to or seen any of them since I asked B if I could borrow $1500 from him in Feb. Initally he said yes, no problem. And then when it came time for him to put the money into my bank account, he shut his cell phone off. I'm not angry that he didn't lend me the money, that's perfectly alright, it's a lot of money (although I know he has money to spare) but instead of telling me no, he really let me think he could help me out... That's family for you I guess. I hate myself like this, I'm weak. Normally I'm so high on myself from my permanent ego trip... But I lost my self control regarding food, bar food is just sooo good... I'm so hungry. It feels somewhat satisfying know that I'm going to go to bed with my stomach rumbling.

And I'm going to do just that right now. I don't have to take the bus tomorrow.

I miss being anonymous.

Going to Kelowna on thursday. May not update before I leave. I'm kind of nervous to be going. I worry about everything from car accidents in the mountains, to not liking the food that people serve me. *sigh* where's my valium.

life - death