2004-01-13, 1:45 a.m.

It's not you vs. him vs. him. it's not like that. it's do i want a boyfriend, or not. i spent so much time alone, that oddly enough, i've fallen in love... with myself. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. but i'm trying awfully hard to make things feel like they should inside of me... it's hard to be normal when everybody around me is falling apart. don't know how to respond to the tears of others. what to say to the sight of the urn on the fireplace. girlrfriends attempting suicide... i wish i could console you all...you're asking a lot of me. when i just don't have the answers. just so used to it being me and morti... alone in the streets, the stereo pounding.

you surround me. believe or not. this is hard for me too... you think it's just me being a hostile bitch, what you seem to think i do best...but im honestly trying to do what is for the best. for both of us. I know i've been erased. gone from your buddy list. and added again. to the bottom. you couldnever leave the top of mine... i know my profile on your computer is gone, from your cell phone... everything... and my stuff in the bathroom is hidden away. the thing i made you last spring... my grad picture... the bears the bears our babies... being deleted hurts more than being hated.

life - death