Permanent stain.
2003-10-22, 1:56 a.m.

There are very few hours during the week that I am actually alone, and most of these few hours, I spend asleep, seeing visions of my work swirling through my unconscious mind. But during the time that I'm awake, in the early early hours of the morning. I let my mind wonder, far far away. I think about the past, when the simplest things seemed exciting, like new movies in the theatre. I've become so cynical, is this something to do with getting a little bit older? Or the fact that through out high school I had the most hard assed best friend imaginable. Nothing, seems to impress me anymore. What little does, will be belittled by somebody who thinks of them self of much higher status than me. It's so difficult to express what I'd really like to be saying, my emotions have become one dimensional and somewhat meaningless. Basically all I can ever tell a person when they ask how I am, is that I am either tired or simply "fine". People aggrevate me more and more all the time, I find that I no longer like being touched, hugs are alright, but I like them to be quick and only at certain times, and I used to LOVE to talk, I would talk to anybody who will listen, but in the past few monthes I have become so accustomed to being ignored, that I don't have anything to say anymore. I was an excellent conversationalist, now it seems that my cat or car are my main topics... It seems petty. My thoughts are for me only, I keep them all inside me and let them surround me like a wall. I have nothing to say, and like to be left alone, yet I still feel as though I am craving attention, I'm not sure that makes much sense. Well I should go to bed now... It's not necessary to go to my first class on wednesday's anymore... But wednesdays are my Nola days, the best day of the week. YAY!! Nola is one of the most beautiful people I know, she laughs. Laughter makes a person beautiful.

life - death